so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
we made out on top of his cat.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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