best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
