We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
