when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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