My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
