I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
