I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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