she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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