I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
