mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
