she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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