all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
