I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
