what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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