i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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