If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
