I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
