Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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