New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
