I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
