Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
