Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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