just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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