Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
