When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
