While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
