im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
