Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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