my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
