I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
