Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
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