the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
