i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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