you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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