like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
