I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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