I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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