What a fucking waste of an outfit
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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