im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
