So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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