His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
