With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
my shit smells like andre
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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