if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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