i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
