New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
