I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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