Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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