I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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