i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
