I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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