I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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