New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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