Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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