I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
