I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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